Hamsters

Hamsters. Cute and cuddly, maybe. But, more importantly, are they good for the Jews?



I'm Jewish and I'm allergic to hamsters. This is bad. In fact, most Jews have allergies. Jews have allergies to everything in the universe. Jews can be allergic to rocks and power cords. Often, Jewish parents will use their skills of paranoia to make their children believe that they have more allergies than they actually do. I knew this kid who, allegedly, was allergic to all sorts of food coloring and that, as a result, he could never eat anything with food coloring. I asked him if he had ever eaten anything with food coloring.

"Have you ever eaten anything with food coloring?"

"No. I can't. I'd like, die."

"So how do you know you're allergic to it."

He just knew.

People think that the high prevelance of allergies amongst Jews is a bad thing, but it is actually a secret weapon of the Jews. They will act all allergic and water-eyed, which will make them seem weak, especially if they are wearing glasses. But this is all a way to deflect people's attention from their superior intellectual abilities and financial management skills. Some historians believe there is a direct correlation with Jews having allergies (*wink, wink) and the rise of Jewish power in the world.

Also important to note is that hamsters have the word "ham" in their name. I'm not even going to waste my time explaining to you why this is bad.

Then we also have the hamster wheel:



This is a device that reinforces the human condition, and the idea of mortality. We run around in circles, never getting anywhere, and then we die. Jews have an especially hard time coming to terms with their own mortality, as best portrayed by Woody Allen in all of his movies. The book "Denial of Death" was written by Ernest Becker, a Jew, and postulates that all of humanity's psychological problems emerge from the fear of death which sits at the core of everything.

The hamster's reminding of mortality is closely linked to its cause of allergies as many Jews are also led to believe that their allergies may cause them to die. This emerges from being a hypochondriac, and is also something reinforced at an early by overly protective Jewish mothers who terrify their children into always staying indoors and reading instead of "going out into that terrible allergy-filled world to play sports."

"Why do you need to be outside?" They will ask. "Is my company not enough for you?"

Allergies. Death. Guilt. This is the hamster's unholy triumvirate.

Therefore the HAMSTER, more for what it represents than for what it is, is BAD for the Jews.