Today, I point you in the direction of a Jewish resource that's really something you have to experience to understand, see to believe - my other blog.
This is not just a cop-out, because my latest post about "Jewishness and Goyishness" is incredibly valuable for all Jews, Jews from around the world, even those in sub-Saharan Africa and Laos. It's a discussion we should be having more regularly. The only reason it's not a post on this site is because it doesn't deal strictly with something that's good/bad for the Jews. Therefore, as a good Jew would do, I found a loophole in the structure of this site which has made it possible for me to advertise my other blog without sacrificing the integrity of what I do on this one.
In this sense, at least for today, MY OTHER BLOG is GOOD for the Jews. Usually though, it might be considered a toss-up.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Hamsters
Hamsters. Cute and cuddly, maybe. But, more importantly, are they good for the Jews?
I'm Jewish and I'm allergic to hamsters. This is bad. In fact, most Jews have allergies. Jews have allergies to everything in the universe. Jews can be allergic to rocks and power cords. Often, Jewish parents will use their skills of paranoia to make their children believe that they have more allergies than they actually do. I knew this kid who, allegedly, was allergic to all sorts of food coloring and that, as a result, he could never eat anything with food coloring. I asked him if he had ever eaten anything with food coloring.
"Have you ever eaten anything with food coloring?"
"No. I can't. I'd like, die."
"So how do you know you're allergic to it."
He just knew.
People think that the high prevelance of allergies amongst Jews is a bad thing, but it is actually a secret weapon of the Jews. They will act all allergic and water-eyed, which will make them seem weak, especially if they are wearing glasses. But this is all a way to deflect people's attention from their superior intellectual abilities and financial management skills. Some historians believe there is a direct correlation with Jews having allergies (*wink, wink) and the rise of Jewish power in the world.
Also important to note is that hamsters have the word "ham" in their name. I'm not even going to waste my time explaining to you why this is bad.
Then we also have the hamster wheel:
This is a device that reinforces the human condition, and the idea of mortality. We run around in circles, never getting anywhere, and then we die. Jews have an especially hard time coming to terms with their own mortality, as best portrayed by Woody Allen in all of his movies. The book "Denial of Death" was written by Ernest Becker, a Jew, and postulates that all of humanity's psychological problems emerge from the fear of death which sits at the core of everything.
The hamster's reminding of mortality is closely linked to its cause of allergies as many Jews are also led to believe that their allergies may cause them to die. This emerges from being a hypochondriac, and is also something reinforced at an early by overly protective Jewish mothers who terrify their children into always staying indoors and reading instead of "going out into that terrible allergy-filled world to play sports."
"Why do you need to be outside?" They will ask. "Is my company not enough for you?"
Allergies. Death. Guilt. This is the hamster's unholy triumvirate.
Therefore the HAMSTER, more for what it represents than for what it is, is BAD for the Jews.
I'm Jewish and I'm allergic to hamsters. This is bad. In fact, most Jews have allergies. Jews have allergies to everything in the universe. Jews can be allergic to rocks and power cords. Often, Jewish parents will use their skills of paranoia to make their children believe that they have more allergies than they actually do. I knew this kid who, allegedly, was allergic to all sorts of food coloring and that, as a result, he could never eat anything with food coloring. I asked him if he had ever eaten anything with food coloring.
"Have you ever eaten anything with food coloring?"
"No. I can't. I'd like, die."
"So how do you know you're allergic to it."
He just knew.
People think that the high prevelance of allergies amongst Jews is a bad thing, but it is actually a secret weapon of the Jews. They will act all allergic and water-eyed, which will make them seem weak, especially if they are wearing glasses. But this is all a way to deflect people's attention from their superior intellectual abilities and financial management skills. Some historians believe there is a direct correlation with Jews having allergies (*wink, wink) and the rise of Jewish power in the world.
Also important to note is that hamsters have the word "ham" in their name. I'm not even going to waste my time explaining to you why this is bad.
Then we also have the hamster wheel:
This is a device that reinforces the human condition, and the idea of mortality. We run around in circles, never getting anywhere, and then we die. Jews have an especially hard time coming to terms with their own mortality, as best portrayed by Woody Allen in all of his movies. The book "Denial of Death" was written by Ernest Becker, a Jew, and postulates that all of humanity's psychological problems emerge from the fear of death which sits at the core of everything.
The hamster's reminding of mortality is closely linked to its cause of allergies as many Jews are also led to believe that their allergies may cause them to die. This emerges from being a hypochondriac, and is also something reinforced at an early by overly protective Jewish mothers who terrify their children into always staying indoors and reading instead of "going out into that terrible allergy-filled world to play sports."
"Why do you need to be outside?" They will ask. "Is my company not enough for you?"
Allergies. Death. Guilt. This is the hamster's unholy triumvirate.
Therefore the HAMSTER, more for what it represents than for what it is, is BAD for the Jews.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Brett Ratner
In today's edition we confront a pressing question - is Brett Ratner good for the Jews?
A few weeks ago, Brett Ratner performed what "New York" called a "guerrilla" mezuzah ceremony whereby he and a Chabad Rabbi attached two mezuzahs to a newly renovated hotel in Miami. That takes chutzpah, to say the least. Bretty was repping for the Jews who, as we know, turn into delicious pastries called "hamentashen" if they stay overnight in a dwelling which lacks a mezuzah. It is this transformative state of the Jew that inspired the hats worn by both the British and the Americans during the Revolutionary War. This was George Washington's favorite hat and is still worn today by people who have a poor grasp of reality.
Additionally, Ratner has directed a movie loved by Jews throughout the world and is only third to "Fiddler on the Roof" and "Yentel" on most Jews' "must watch" list - "X-Men: The Last Stand." This is a movie considered by many teenage boys with acne to be one the greatest movies of all time. It is often these same boys who grow up to become Sergey Brin and Mark Zuckerberg, who basically control the world.
At the same time, Ratner is slated to direct both "Rush Hour 4" and "Beverly Hills Cop IV," two movies that do not need to be made and will result in many rich Jews losing millions because, for some reason, they will inevitably pump money in these likely flops the same way they pumped money into the 100 worst movies of all time. Among these are "Daddy Day Camp," directed by Fred Savage (a Jew). "Daddy Day Camp" is also considered the movie that put the superfluous nail in the coffin of Cuba Gooding Jr.'s career. Many people once loved Cuba Gooding Jr., and are likely to blame the Jews for his current state of affairs.
Still, Ratner redeems himself by having dated a woman that many Jews fantasize about - Serena Williams. Jews are known for their bootylicious tendencies.
Accordingly, the pros outweigh the cons, and our boychik BRETT RATNER is a real mensch who is GOOD FOR THE JEWS.
A few weeks ago, Brett Ratner performed what "New York" called a "guerrilla" mezuzah ceremony whereby he and a Chabad Rabbi attached two mezuzahs to a newly renovated hotel in Miami. That takes chutzpah, to say the least. Bretty was repping for the Jews who, as we know, turn into delicious pastries called "hamentashen" if they stay overnight in a dwelling which lacks a mezuzah. It is this transformative state of the Jew that inspired the hats worn by both the British and the Americans during the Revolutionary War. This was George Washington's favorite hat and is still worn today by people who have a poor grasp of reality.
Additionally, Ratner has directed a movie loved by Jews throughout the world and is only third to "Fiddler on the Roof" and "Yentel" on most Jews' "must watch" list - "X-Men: The Last Stand." This is a movie considered by many teenage boys with acne to be one the greatest movies of all time. It is often these same boys who grow up to become Sergey Brin and Mark Zuckerberg, who basically control the world.
At the same time, Ratner is slated to direct both "Rush Hour 4" and "Beverly Hills Cop IV," two movies that do not need to be made and will result in many rich Jews losing millions because, for some reason, they will inevitably pump money in these likely flops the same way they pumped money into the 100 worst movies of all time. Among these are "Daddy Day Camp," directed by Fred Savage (a Jew). "Daddy Day Camp" is also considered the movie that put the superfluous nail in the coffin of Cuba Gooding Jr.'s career. Many people once loved Cuba Gooding Jr., and are likely to blame the Jews for his current state of affairs.
Still, Ratner redeems himself by having dated a woman that many Jews fantasize about - Serena Williams. Jews are known for their bootylicious tendencies.
Accordingly, the pros outweigh the cons, and our boychik BRETT RATNER is a real mensch who is GOOD FOR THE JEWS.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Asian Pears
Good for the Jews.
Why?
Because:
1. Gives you an opportunity to haggle in Chinatown, which is something Jews do very well.
2. Speaking of Chinatown, and as the name reveals, they are Asian, and Jews and Asian people have a lot in common. Also, Jewish men tend to like Asian women for unspecified reasons. But this is a fact. You can check it out on Wikipedia, which Jews probably helped start, which makes it even better,
3. They are tasty, and Jews like tasty things.
4. Asian Pears will challenge you to a fight if you don't like them, and we all know that Jews don't like fights because they are lovers.
Therefore, ASIAN PEARS are GOOD FOR THE JEWS.
Why?
Because:
1. Gives you an opportunity to haggle in Chinatown, which is something Jews do very well.
2. Speaking of Chinatown, and as the name reveals, they are Asian, and Jews and Asian people have a lot in common. Also, Jewish men tend to like Asian women for unspecified reasons. But this is a fact. You can check it out on Wikipedia, which Jews probably helped start, which makes it even better,
3. They are tasty, and Jews like tasty things.
4. Asian Pears will challenge you to a fight if you don't like them, and we all know that Jews don't like fights because they are lovers.
Therefore, ASIAN PEARS are GOOD FOR THE JEWS.
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